The Stinkers of Horror in 2009

We’ve done our best of list previously (check out my list and Chris’ list), so now it’s time to wag the finger a bit and some of the clunkers of 2009. I’ve read a lot of blogs this past week that are saying 2009 was a down year for horror, but I’d have to disagree. There were some great films to hit the theater and the home shelf this year. I can only chalk up the negative attitude towards this year to the fact that some movies and trends were so terrible; the collective sour egg of a fart they left behind cast a pall over an otherwise memorable year.


Without further ado, let’s line up some of the clunkers and where they went wrong:

	The Unborn This movie should have been titled The Unwatchable. The combination of a convoluted mess of a story involving unborn twins and absolute no scares to be found on a single frame of film does not make for a good way to kick of the year.
	The Uninvited Elizabeth Banks shouldn’t play evil. Ever. She’s one of the cutest women working in Hollywood right now, and everything about her exudes niceness. She should be punching Sandra Bullock in her snout right now while attempting to wrest away the title of rom/com go-to-gal instead of trying to pull off the evil step mom act in this remake of the vastly superior Korean film A Tale of Two Sisters.
	My Bloody Valentine 3-D I don’t understand the collective scorn the Friday the 13th and Halloween 2 reboots receive from the horror community while this turd burglar remains relatively unscathed. It removed all the suspense and spot on casting of the first movie and instead gave the audience funny glasses to wear. The “twist” in the end was obvious to anyone that’s ever watched a horror movie or didn’t grow up eating lead paint.
	The Haunting in Connecticut Singlehandedly the worst movie I paid to see all year. I caught this in order to escape a massive traffic jam commuting home one night, and fully believe my time would’ve been better spent sitting in gridlock. Completely lazy, unimaginative and unneeded CGI along with gaping holes in plot and logic that you could drive the Ghostbusters van through. Nearly everyone on the film looks like they’re acting and coming down from a bad head cold at the same time. It is putrid mess of a movie. Here’s a word of advice to you: if you’re renting a house and it is haunted, break the lease.
	The Stepfather-In a year of lazy remakes, this one takes the cake. The only good thing that came of it is it led to the release of the original film, starring Lost’s Terry O’Quinn. If anything, this crapfest shows just how illogical it would be that anyone can hide in plain sight in the days of Google, GPS, and 24 hour surveillance. There’s suspending disbelief, and there’s asking a gown man to accept Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are real, and are tag team champions in the fairy tale wrestling federation. This film falls into the latter category.
	Jennifer’s Body Listening to Megan Fox try to keep pace with Diabolo Cody’s quick paced snarkalouge is like listening to Stuttering John try to recite the Gettysburg Address. Ugh.
	Saw 6 If a horror movie isn’t going to be scary, then it should at least be fun to watch. The Saw series hasn’t been either since the first installment many years ago. Creatively running on fumes, this tired franchise got pummeled by a movie that cost less to make than a Toyota Matrix. Can anyone make sense of the convoluted storyline that is the last batch of Saw films? The sixth film is great entertainment for those that enjoy attending public executions and pulling the wings off butterflies.

Finally, 2009 became the year that bashing the Twilight series became more tiresome than the books or films themselves. Can we all take a collective breath and agree that the Twilight saga has next to nothing to do with horror, nor is it geared towards the hardcore or even casual fan of the genre? Yes, the books are terrible drivel and the movies remind of a two word review of one of Spinal Tap’s albums. At the end of the day, we’re not the target crowd, girls from the age of thirteen to sixteen are. If we’re going to rip on Twilight, we might as well rip on the Jonas Brothers and horsies in our blogs for all the relevance they have to horror. Ripping on Twilight has become akin to playing cards with your uncle’s retarded kids. It’s just too easy and in the end, not all that much fun. Instead of killing your little sister, cousin, niece et al for swallowing this drivel up, maybe steer them in the direction of Near Dark, the Lost Boys, Buffy, Daybreakers or any of the other vampire stories that have been done right over the past few decades.